TRADED: Your Joke for my new Sawyer Mini

[Iaspanky]

Microsoft has such a monopoly on all us, even Santa... He switched from chimneys to Windows

[old4hats]

This isn't necessarily a joke, but something that happened to me when I worked for Princess Cruises.

While working on cruise ships I had to deal with a lot of passengers who asked stupid questions. For example - Do the stairs go up and down? Is the water in the toilets fresh or salt? Do we live on the ship?

One time when a passenger asked if I lived on the ship I responded with, "No ma'am. In fact a fleet of helicopters flies us in everyday." She said how great it was that the cruise line would do that for us and went on her way. The next day I got called into the PSD's (Big boss dude on ships) office asking to talk to me. I went into his office and he looked furious. He asks me, "Did you tell a passenger that a fleet of helicopters flies us in everyday?" I (terrified I would be fired btw) responded "uhhhh yes. Am I going go to be fired? It was just a joke. I'm so sorry."

He says, "I just wanted to let you know that the passenger complained this morning that the helicopters woke her up."

Fronkey

This may not win as a joke, but for laughs, it rocks.

[sargevining]

An agent for the ATF visits a ranch in Texas. He asks the rancher if he can look around the place. The rancher says "Sure, but stay out of that pasture out behind the barn yonder."

The ATF agent whips out his badge and shoves it in the rancher's face. "See this badge?" he asks, "This badge says I can go anywhere I want, got it?"

"OK" says the rancher, "Suit yourself."

The ATF agent marches right over to that pasture, jumps the fence, and goes wandering out over the hill. Here directly he comes running back as fast as he can, neck tie flapping in the wind behind him, followed closely by a big, angry bull with shiny black horns and steam coming out of his nostrils.

"Show him your badge!" shouts the rancher. "Show him your badge!"

[ZakBait]

An outdoors joke I heard a while back:

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, I don't." So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

[netjox]

Bear Alert!

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

[Bonepile]

Gotta give it to HK2001

[lazy river road]

I am a teacher and tell this joke to my high school students all the time. So the setting of the joke is, me teaching ancient world history to a room full of 15 year olds who really don't care who King Tut is. So I am in front of the room teaching and I see a student sleeping. I walk over to said student and knock twice on their desk saying "knock knock" until they pick up their head and say whos their. That is when I reply "annoying teacher" the student replies with "annoying teacher who" which is when I reply "annoying teacher me now wake up and do your work". Gets the class cracking up and the student working every time. I know its corney but the kiddies love it.

[g2outdoors]

Back in 2007 I was really into Chuck Norris jokes. Here are a few of my favorites...Enjoy:

Chuck Norris' family once threw him a surprise party. Once.

Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30 A.M.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live

When the bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.

People with amnesia still remember Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, he made his mom finish his vegetables.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he uses them to kill terrorists. Chuck Norris hates lemonade.

When Google can't find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.

What color is Chuck Norris' blood? Trick question. Chuck Norris never bleeds.

Did you know Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer? Unfortunately, Chuck Norris NEVER cries.

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him drink.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris does not need Twitter. He’s already following you.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the sh1t out of it.

[Mumbles]

g2outdoors only makes lists about Chuck Norris on the Internet because Chuck Norris allows him too...funny list for sure.

[BigHat]

most people don't realize this....

before chuck norris jokes there were john wayne jokes, except EVERYONE was afraid to tell them, INCLUDING chuck norris.